I’ve been quiet on here. I could give you my list of reasons, but here’s the primary one: for a good while, I didn’t have a lesson learned or a trial conquered to write about because I’ve been in the midst of the learning and the conquering for the past few months.

The biggest change is that I left a company that was rooted in my identity for the past five years. 

I know that changing careers isn’t always a huge decision, but about a year and a half ago, I realized that I didn’t know who I was without that job. Recognizing the unhealthy attachment for what it was, I spent the last year investing in interests and people apart from my job. At work, I tried to perfect my productivity: time management, stress management, delegating, and task prioritizing. It helped, but not in the way I anticipated. Everything I was doing was to make my job more sustainable for me, but all it did was make the (what I now know was) inevitable end less jarring.

Even still, coming to terms that what I needed no longer aligned with my work left me grieving and afraid of the unknown future. I feared that by starting somewhere new, I wouldn’t be valued, listened to, or competent. I feared that I wouldn’t be in an environment of community and encouragement like I’d grown to love.

Job hunting was exhausting. I got my hopes up several times for opportunities that didn’t pan out either on my end or theirs, feared the unknown and then quieted those fears again and again, and anticipated this Summer going one way, all to wind up choosing an entirely different opportunity that fell in my lap within a matter of days.

Historically, I don't operate well in the depths of ambiguity, so the spring months were a great teacher for that, and God met me several times. Quiet, gentle, reassuring, and a pure embodiment of Love. In the more difficult moments, I didn’t have it in me to offer more than a weak and tired thank you. He told me to drink some water, go home, and make dinner. One of the constants about God that I adore, but often forget, is that he isn’t shocked, embarrassed, or offended by my turbulence.

Now, a little over one month in the new job, I’ve felt incompetent and ashamed at the hands of any mistake, no matter how small, cried (alone…mostly), but have been encouraged and shown appreciation often. He said I’m too precious, that being able to hire me allowed him to have a voice he didn’t always have (though I’m not supposed to know this last part so keep that between us). It’s a steep learning curve, the new job, and so is reminding myself to prioritize my needs and foster a healthier attachment this time.

I often forget that I’m not in a pressure cooker, that it’s okay to take more than two seconds to complete a task, to make mistakes, to be a student for now, and to rest at the end of the day.

When I’m not working, some days I do very little except maintain my home and rest. I still have to remind myself that it’s enough, that it’s good. While it’s a lesson not fully learned, a trial not fully conquered, it’s good enough for now.