Arrested: Development
Long story short, I was in jail 3-4 hours in a holding cell. Compared to others’ jail/prison experience, it’s pretty tame (and it was for a pretty lame reason, at that). Read Arrested: An Anecdote for the story.
But I remember leaving the jail and the feeling of shock over the mess I’d just gotten myself into, the disbelief that I was one of those “bad people who gets arrested.” I remember feeling the need to go to church the next day (I was arrested on a Saturday night.) I remember thinking that if I go to church enough or pray enough, the situation would magically disappear. I mean, God can do anything, right? God can work that way, but that doesn’t mean He will, or that He even should.
If you complied with the program by passing all your tests (which just means you have to pee in a cup a bunch of times in front of a stranger), the Judge dismisses your case, and boom. You're back to normalcy.
But I wasn’t.
My friend and I met with a lawyer, had to pay a ton of money (about $3000 each by the end of it), attend court five months after the arrest, join this “rehabilitation program” where we agreed to submit to random drug and alcohol testing for three months. If you complied with the program by passing all your tests (which just means you have to pee in a cup a bunch of times in front of a stranger), the Judge dismisses your case and boom. You're back to normalcy.
But I wasn’t.
During the five-month period of me scraping every penny I could together to pay the $3000, I was flat broke. I could barely afford groceries, I was behind on my bills, and I was working 50-60 hour weeks. My hair was falling out, I was exhausted, and I was carrying around the weight of a criminal background in secrecy. I was at rock bottom. Rock bottom has a way of shoving its harsh clarity right in your face. It’s relentless and it brings you to your knees, and you can either try to fight it, avoid it, or you can use that time on the ground to pray.
I joined a small group a couple of weeks after the arrest. I didn’t have high expectations going into it, but through my leaders’ testimonies, grace, and unconditional love, I finally started seeking God again. We were talking again. He dug out years worth of hurt and put Himself in the hole.
Getting arrested was an act of grace that allowed me to grow.
Without hitting my rock bottom, I would’ve never come face to face with all my grief and anger. Getting arrested was an act of grace that allowed me to grow. Shame has many layers, but the Lord peeled back and threw away the first few early on. In the secret place, He showed me that my criminal history wasn’t apart of my definition, just my story. I still didn’t want a lot of people to know about it though, at least not until I was far enough removed from it that it was only a distant memory, free from judgment and just a funny story to tell. He also told me I would share my story one day, and I was totally fine with that.
As long as it was at least 5 years away.
About a year and a half later, my church approached me about doing a video interview sharing my testimony, and of course, they wanted to focus on the arrest. I mean, it was a huge turning point in my life and that’s how I came back to God and I wouldn’t be anywhere close to God if that hadn’t happened butareyousureyouwanttofocusonTHAT?!
That’s when I saw the final few lingering layers of shame that needed a dose of Divine Healing. I gave my last shreds of shame to God, and I realized that there were a few people that I wanted to share this in person with before they saw a video of it. One of them is a new but very dear friend of mine. She loves the Lord and tangibly walks with the Holy Spirit. I shared my story with her and her immediate reaction was, “Oh, that’s not that bad,” as casually as if I was telling her about a traffic violation. No judgment, no shock, no change in how she fundamentally viewed me as her friend.
“That’s not that bad.” They were such simple words, but with them came this breakthrough and clarity from the Holy Spirit.
I don’t have to keep apologizing to people.
I don’t have to keep qualifying this mistake with “but I promise I’m a good person now!”
I don’t have to lessen God’s definition of me because of a mistake He already knew I would make before I was even born.
I didn’t have to project shame when I talked about it!
I didn’t have to feel shame when I talked about it!
I was free to embrace my worth post-arrest as I had pre-arrest. I’d always had the same God-given worth regardless of any mistake I’d made.
While God was already teaching me this concept of worth in the secret place, I was stubborn to accept it. So He just affirmed it through someone else. Through her example and acceptance of my fundamental self, I heard God say, “You won’t be rejected by everyone. Those who know me will know you.”