No Conflict

One aspect I struggle with the most is conflict. I hate conflict so much that I hate how much I hate it. Just recently I brought up a very mild conversation with a friend of mine - I wasn’t even personally bringing up conflict, but because I was so afraid of a potentially negative response, I was shaking when I talked to her. Literally shaking. Afterward I felt shame for being such a sensitive, fragile bird.

I didn’t bury, didn’t gossip, didn’t sacrifice the integrity of this problem because I chose to deal with it instead.

But at least I did it. This is a lot more than I can say of myself even 1 year ago. I buried most of my thoughts and feelings but they usually still found their way out in the form of me gossiping about it. It wouldn’t quite let me experience the anger I was feeling, but gossiping is like a cheap drug that way: you take a hit knowing you’re only going to get a cheapened version of what you’re actually looking for.

So at least now with my shaking, fearful self, I can still say that I did it. I had the conversation, and that’s what matters. I didn’t bury, didn’t gossip, didn’t sacrifice the integrity of this problem because I chose to deal with it instead. After all, bravery isn’t the absence of fear, but doing the thing even when you’re afraid.

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