Alright: An Anecdote
I finally realize why they bother me so much. I met with God again and with His counseling, I realized why I’m so deeply hurt.
It’s not fair.
It’s not fair -
They helped me through another toxic relationship and then became toxic.... Maybe they always were, and it just took me too long to realize it. Even though I haven’t quite reached the floor yet, I already feel the same coolness of it, hard and uncomfortable.
How do I even know how to pick the people in my life? I take too damn long to realize if they’re a good friend or not, and by then-
I’m angry, so angry.
I don’t want you to know anything about me. You don’t get to know anything about me.
I don’t want to share with people anymore, not like I’ve shared with them.
People fail. It’s okay that people fail. I fail all the time. But when I’m failed, my cracked pieces are abandoned on the ground for months, years even-
I’m allowing my brokenness.
I didn’t know.
This...this makes me afraid. They have their faults, but it’s not their fault I didn’t know. It’s not their fault I let it go on as long as it did. I’m responsible for my own well-being.
But I’m so tired. God, help me increase discernment in my relationships.
I feel so ill-equipped to have close relationships with people. I don’t know how I’m supposed to.
Okay. Breathe.
Logically, I know this won’t keep happening because my faith tells me that God has me. I know He’ll bring people into my life that respect me without hesitation. He already has, and that shouldn’t be forgotten or underplayed.
Family - I’m learning to set boundaries and love people where they’re at.
Partner - I’m learning to look for any red flags (and take them seriously), uphold my standards, and keep accountability partners nearby.
Work - I’m learning my limitations and what to accept and reject in a work environment.
Friend - I’m learning to pay attention to who let in and how much.
Through multiple kinds of hurt, we learn ourselves and how to navigate the relationships around us. It’s a difficult, muddy, painful process sometimes, but it’s also easy and life-giving.
Even though it’s buried beyond recognition at times, I have an unwavering knowledge that it’ll be alright.
It’ll be alright.