The Difficult & Meaningful Work
I’ve always thought about balance a lot. The lens in which I view and rationalize the world is based around it. I should be more specific: I’m referring to personal balance. For example, if I notice that I’m much angrier than normal (typically to a point where I’m in a constant state of irritation) when I finally get around to processing my emotions, I often realize that I need a more well-rounded perspective. I need to balance out the anger with positive rationale, gratitude, and people to keep me grounded.
What I find interesting is that while the above example I used is a helpful tool for all of us, it’s not helpful for everyone in the moment. Me trying to obtain a more well-rounded perspective actually calms me down. Does that calm you down? My guess is maybe.
I describe this season as being on a rocket ship of personal growth, and the only reason I’m still engaged is because I know that it’ll get better.
Anyways, I’m still learning about balance and it’s been more difficult as of late. The past few months have been especially taxing and it’s exhausting to 1) have multiple big things to deal with and 2) to deal with them at all. I describe this season as being on a rocket ship of personal growth, and the only reason I’m still engaged is because I know that it’ll get better. I know that the habits I’m making today will help me in the future.
Part of my balance struggle is struggling with inertia. This entire year I’ve been consistent in my spiritual walk, journaling to process my emotions, writing in this blog, being uber-productive at work, staying positive, and it was awesome. But then a chain reaction happened:
Insert a mildly traumatic situation. (Is mildly traumatic an oxymoron?)
Insert the rebirth of a childhood traumatic memory (that was never dealt with/processed).
Start processing the current traumatic situation. Be confused by the childhood one.
Realize that the current situation is traumatic because of a residual effect from the childhood memory. Semi-freak out.
Go to counseling to deal with both.
I’m dealing with all of the above, but very s l o w l y because frankly, it’s the only way I know how. I’m not spending quality, consistent time with God, I haven’t journaled in months at this point, my writing is painfully sporadic, I find it harder to be positive. The only area left I’m doing well in is being productive at work, so at least I have that.
I feel guilty for what I define as laziness and I think I’m not being a good enough Christian/adult/etc. The good news about that though is when you have condemning thoughts, you know it’s not from the Lord, so then it must be a lie. It’s easier said than done, but I’m definitely over the self-condemnation. I much prefer holy conviction, and I’ve gotten that too, but I’ve also heard God tell me, “I know you’re coming back.” He knows me better than I do, and He knew this would be a slow, taxing process for me right now. God’s still here with me during this season even if I’m not reading my Bible “enough” or praying “enough” or going to church “enough.”
The other really beautiful realization I had is that logically, I know I’m not in my Bible, praying, and attending church enough...but it’s okay. Not in an excuse-making way, but because I’m learning. I know that a year or two from now I’m going to look back and see the ways I could’ve gone through this season better, but that’s exactly how we learn. God isn’t expecting perfection from me, and so I won’t either.
“To know and love ourselves and others well is the most difficult and meaningful work we'll ever do."
Sleeping at Last, "Nine”