Drama / Pain
Picture this: You're having an issue with someone that’s dear to you be it your family member, friend, or partner. Let’s say that your issue is feeling inadequate in this relationship and in this issue, and insecurity keeps encroaching your thought process, but you don't want to acknowledge it. So now you’re angry at small things that you shouldn’t be angry over. You’re anxious and you think s/he doesn’t love or care about you as much anymore. When you talk about your feelings to others, you paint an over-dramatized picture highlighting every negative detail to make sure everyone is on your side (this part doesn't have to be inherently malicious or even intentional) instead of delivering a simple truth. Maybe you’re not talking to others about this situation yet, maybe you won’t talk to anyone else at all. In your own head though, the same pattern exists: every heightened emotion and every highlighted bad thing gives room for you to be fed lies about what you’re going through. The drama prevents you from looking at this problem with clarity.
When we accept the okay-ness of our imperfections and insecurities, we allow ourselves the freedom to fully deal with them.
What happens is that we amplify unnecessary stuff in our problems. You see, I don’t think we’re bad people because this happens, I just think that living can be really difficult sometimes. But sometimes we have to stop the extreme feelings by stepping back in an almost disembodied way and look at the simple truths. Now I’m no therapist, so I’m not trying to give any high quality, mind blowing advice here, but I think there is a first step we can all take. If someone really pissed you off, think, “I’m angry, and that’s okay. What am I going to do about this anger?” and lay out your next steps. If you’re trudging through a bout of depression, think, “I’m struggling through depression right now, and that’s okay. What do I need to do to best take care of myself through this time?” If you’re overwhelmed by your feelings, that’s okay too. Think, “I’m overwhelmed right now,” and decide how you’re going to let out the feelings. You can watch Titanic and have a good cry, go to one of those ax-throwing places to let out aggression - I hear this is great catharsis, or talk through your emotions with someone you trust. If you are consistently overwhelmed in your day-to-day life, it’s okay to acknowledge this and get help. That’s really the point of everything I’m trying to say: it’s okay.
When we accept the okay-ness of our imperfections and insecurities, we allow ourselves the freedom to fully deal with them. If we’re only focusing on the surface of our issues, we’re doing ourselves a disservice by depleting our energy in drama instead of roots. We then create an environment of dishonesty within ourselves and what we project to others.
Your pain and perspective are your own, and your feelings are completely valid, so allow yourself the benefit of reducing pain by changing perspective - you alone have the power to do this.
In the first relationship when I realized, after way too long I might add, that I needed to cut ties with this individual, I was broken afterward. I had no idea how to even begin the process of dealing with the overwhelming emptiness I felt. I was grateful for the physical freedom away from this relationship, but it was only temporary because I kept shoving my rage and grief in my depths. My emotional reservoir quickly overflowed and spilled out in the way of me drinking too much. It wasn’t until months later I began the healing process that would last about a year and a half - my pride and shame fought it the first few months. I still came out on the other side in one piece, but oh how it took so much longer.
In the second relationship, it was still very hard for me to accept its toxicity at first. I talked to God about it and let myself cry and process everything I was feeling. As painful as it was, there was a finality at the end of the day. There was this feeling of acceptance and understanding that this was just how things were at the moment, but it’ll be okay. I set boundaries between us and redefined what this relationship would look like. I don’t have a need to talk about this individual over and over, I’m not angry or bitter, and I’m not passive towards my feelings about it. I have the freedom to give attention to my difficult days and embrace the good ones. I have a God that’s walking alongside me through this process because I’m inviting Him fully into my emotions.
Your pain and perspective are your own, and your feelings are completely valid, so allow yourself the benefit of reducing pain by changing perspective - you alone have the power to do this.
If you’re still reading, I’d like to provide some clarity: oftentimes people use “toxic” and “abusive” interchangeably in reference to relationships. For the sake of this blog, I use toxic as a step towards abuse, but not abuse itself. I often separate toxicity and abuse by intentionality: toxicity isn’t always intentional where abuse always is. In both relationships I referenced above, both individuals were not being malicious at heart. If you’re in any kind of relationship with an abusive individual, my advice always is to leave, and leave quickly. Even if the toxicity is too much to handle but you know that don’t genuinely mean you harm, you’re still free to leave and take care of yourself. The purpose of this blog is not by any means to justify toxic or abusive behavior, it is solely to offer some steps of self care.