Un-Dissipating

Today I choose peace. Gentle, quiet, doesn’t-talk-above-a-whisper peace.

When I’m at home, I slow my pace down more often than I don’t. It used to be out of desperate exhaustion. I used to cling with shaking hands to the too few evening hours like they were a tightly gripped shirt, damp from sweat, for as long as I could. I pushed off sleep as long as possible to delay the inevitable tomorrow. The relief was precious but shallow and unsustainable.

These days, the slow pace is more of a gentler alignment of my and nature’s routine. Achieving a balance between the fast and slow paces of my life makes me love both. It’s a recognition of a day thoroughly well-worked complimenting the shift in focus and priority. I love being able to take a walk at dusk or nightfall without a timeline or planned route, make dinner at 5:30 or 8, keep the lights dim, light candles or start a diffuser, to push up all my blinds so that my view is a city-branded sky or keep them closed and feel blissfully tucked away in my shoebox of a home. I love feeling separated from the work I completed that day. (I still have to work at maintaining that separation sometimes, but we’re appreciating the progress.)

I was conditioned not to be too much for others. For too long, I didn’t know that I could balance the conscientiousness they taught with honoring my wants and needs, so I often orbited my desires around the comfort of others. And then when I was alone, I didn’t know my voice, so when there was no one to orbit around or merge with, I dissipated. It felt easier, more natural that way. But as I read through some old journal entries, I wrote a prayer back in February that I’d since forgotten about:

“I’ve ignored my limitations, sacrificed by boundaries at the feet of people-pleasing, devotion to others, and unrealistic (and unnecessary) pressure I put on myself. By not honoring my capacity, by not resting, I wasn’t honoring you either.”

It all came together, reading that. I’m a firm believer that if we honor what we value, we will live a more satisfying, fulfilling life. By honoring what I’m wired to desire I’m honoring the way God designed me and by association, honoring God as well. By honoring my need to prioritize peace, I’m able to live more abundantly, showing up for myself and others more consistently.